i've finally gotten some semblance of a hold on myself.
i have been restricting (under 600 cals) and it has avoided binges.
i'll start posting my weight again sometime soon.

i haven't posted in awhile.
i have been doing so awful.
i did bad, so then i fasted for 2 days, then i kept on doing bad.
now i don't know how to stop and my "friend" is still wanting me to eat more
and i just don't know how to stay good with everyone so happy to see me eating.
ironic, how i'm the only one not happy now that everyone else is about something i am doing?
eating just makes me sad.
but i can't do anything.....
life is a fuck sometimes. i know you guys know what i mean.
hopefully everyone will forget this shit soon and i can go back to striving to be beautiful because i am getting fatter everyday thanks to those shit heads.....
they haven't let me get on a scale.
i was 140 a couple days ago..... not even skinny yet. not even close to it. AH!!!!!!

was.... well, what it is
my best guyfriend who is uber skinny wore skinny jeans and i felt awful because i was wearing them as well and his legs were smaller than mine and it was just kinda like ugh.
but i am bloated from my period.

today i had:
rice cake: 50 cals
vegetarian chicken: 140 cals
popcorn: 100 cals
salad: 100 cals


so 290, but i'm not used to eating that much, so i feel kinda icky.
and fat. of course.
there are so many tiny tiny beautiful girls in my school
i have no chance with anyone against them. gr....

so i did my weight lifting and now i think i'll go jogging to run away from my fattiness.

i think a lot of people have questioned, my motives and weight and such supposedly being an anorexic, and i just felt like putting my whole background out there. it's kind of boring so feel free to skim, or not read at all.


first off, i have been diagnosed with bulimia by a doctor. when i was 11 years old, a lot of girls at school started to make fun of me and call me fat, i guess you could say i was less obvious to how girls were "supposed to look" i wasn't fat by any means, about 127 lbs and 5'5" i was just normal with those baby cheeks you know? but i ran with the "in"crowd and i had to look the part. which is about the time the bulimia came in. 6th grade and puking up everything i ate. i passed out in school, went to the doctor, he saw the signs....that one landed me in therapy real fast. i made a "recovery" easily to because i hadn't dropped too much weight, and i can lie pretty well when i need to. i wasn't ready or willing to recover.

so i took up chronic "dieting" from my parents. i was ALWAYS on a diet. i needed it. seriously. in 8th grade my childhood sweetheart/ first serious boyfriend cheated and later broke up with me. as stupid as it sounds, it triggered my "dieting" which turned into anorexia. my new friends at the time were do-gooders and ater the intitial 15 lbs (when i didn't have 15 to lose) ended me hooked up to an IV and my parents watching my every move.

the next 4 years gained close to 50 pounds, getting up to 160 this march after swim season, but i had lost all my control. i started "dieting" and lost some weight, but when my best friend, soul and blood sister of 10 yrs got the news she was leaving for a year to be an exchange student. things spiralled fast. i didn't really think about it, it just happened.

i am still in the stage i feel control of the disease, but i know i have definitely relapsed. this is what i need right now, and maybe, eventually. i will want to and be ready to recover, so i will.

heck yeah. haha minus the fatigue and passing out it's awesome. *laughs*
ah! my mom today was like, "how much weight have you lost?? if i find out your starving yourself again, i'll have you hooked up to an IV! oh my god! come to think of it, i never see you eat."

thank goodness i had thrown away some food, and it ticked it off saying i had eaten it.
then she was like "what are you eating for dinner?"
so i went and got a weight watchers meal, heated it up and promptly put half in the disposal, half in a napkin, and none in my mouth (even though it smelled soooo good)
me being a vegetarian is an easy way to avoid a ton of food, but the outlet mall today was so hard, because my
sis wouldn't eat if i didn't. i was like geez. she wanted cookies and icecream and all that fat, and i was like, no i'm about to go eat at registration, but i didn't eat their either.

tomorrow i am going to drink a ton of water and not pee until i go to the doctor's office so i don't weigh that much different. come to think of it, my mom took off tomorrow and i'll be with her a lot... geez, that's going to be really really really interesting. i don't know if i can pull it off.

Insomnia is why i would be up at before 7in the morning, but i am losing weight.
5'9"
CW:141.5
in 3 days i want to be in the 130's.
i think i can, i think i can, i think i can *laughs*

anyway, today i went off water and onto juice, which is such a relief, i feel soooo much better already. today's going to be tough though :/

-outlet mall with my sis (um... food court, anyone?)
-orchestra registration (refreshements served)
-guitar lesson (they have one of those old car mechanic candy dispensers, but if you eat it you might get AIDS. those guys and that candy all looks kinda fishy to me)

so as long as my brilliant parents don't interfere... i have got my work cut out for me.

it's 9PM.
i think i am going to go to bed i am so wiped.
agh i wanted to eat really, really bad earlier. but i got it under control for tonight at least.
because even when this fast is over, i am eating raw fruits and veggies for 2 days. so what worth is it to dwell on carbs and chocolate i know i definitely can't have for a very long time?
the chocolate, like never.
tomorrow and friday i am so busy, i am going to be about to pass out the whole time.
but like i said tomorrow i go from a water fast to a juice fast, so i should get some energy.
i am going shopping with my sister tomorrow so that should be a big motivator. seeing me under flourescent lights in a white stall while i'm scantily clad. gross.


i can do this!!!

ok. so i got a new scale. and it's really nifty. so i will start posting my daily stats again.

this morning i weighed in at 143. which is slightly depressing because that means i've only lost a pound and a half in, like, a week and a half. but whatever, because i'm doing my fast and i will definitely be in my 130's in 5 days. being as I'm fasting most of it.

i can now officially have juice. but i won't until tomorrow morning so i have a chance to burn it off.

this is me at my starting weight of about 156:


this is me today at about 143ish:



i really want to break the 140's before school.

It's weird. When I am fasting I'm not really that hungry and I don't crave certain foods, because I just don't dwell on it. But it's like I just want to eat for the act of eating. How sick is that? It is a total addiction and I HATE it.

I am so sick of worrying how clothes look on me, or not feeling pretty. I just want to be thin already! Enough, is enough. I don't need food. I've proved that. I just have to keep on going, keep on trying. But I am not a patient person and I feel like I've been working so hard and not seeing results. One slip up, I eat normal one day, and I pack on pounds. Gr, it is sooooo frustrating!

29 hours down, 58 to go of my water fast.
then 48 hours on liquids in general.
then 24 on raw fruits and veggies.
then..... protein would probably be a good place to start.

i still don't know how many cals i should target for after this fast.
i just want to have the best results possible.
but, i'll be at school :P
just the though of facing that many people makes me want to puke. hopefully i'll be a little thinner.

I love models. I love their....
beauty
their sacrifice for that beauty
unconcious grace
the way their bodies flow even in a still frame
the confidence that radiates from them and allows them to be eccentric and express the style as a feeling
complete personal detatchement to become complete beauty icons


tomorrow i have complete rededication.
no more people forcing me to eat or weakness or skimping on workout.
school's one week away and i want to look better than i do now.
i am already 15 lbs down from when i left, but what would 20 or 25 look like to them. i want it so bad.

holy shit.
i don't binge.
i am never this out of control.
5 cookies.
5. not 2, a serving. not 2 servings. 2 1/2 servings!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
fucking disgusting.
this is not ok.
i have to fix it.

7 day fast starting tomorrow.
first 3 days water, next 4 days liquid in general. if anyone wants to join me, tell me. we can e-mail
bellamorgan77@yahoo.com

ugh.

today's a down day.
i ate 3 dark chocolate m&m's at my mom's command but only water besides that.
i need to go jogging.
i think i have hit a plateau so i need to shake it up a little.
hopefully, that is what JUDDD is doing, but i don't know.
agh come off stupid stubborn pounds!

hey guys,
i am doing JUDDDD and i was wondering how many cals any of you on the diet eat on an up day.
i don't want to really go above 600, but will it be more effective if i do?
i'm fasting on down days.
any input would be amazing!

xoxo

will be the death of me.
they wanted to go out to eat again because they are "worried about my health"
so we went to some wing joint and i am a vegetarian! they made me eat chicken.
like WTF seriously?!?!? that is such an injustice, i feel disgusting.
i ate half of a grilled chicken sandwich, but told them it was making me sick.
agh, i'm mad. at least it wasn't that bad.... i guess.

i'm going to go work out... more

hm it's 4 PM and i have
jogged for an hour....
eaten 550 cals in the form of...

LF oatmeal: 3o0
sald w/ light dressing :150
LF popcorn: 100 cals
it's an upday, but i still feel weird eating this much.
and plan on doing some more cardio then my weight training today.

DAILY WEIGHT TRAINING:
20 bicep curls
20 tricep pulls
40 press
20 double reverse row
20 shoulder extensions
20 detloid pulls
40 hamstring pulls <- great for cellulite

200 crunches
-50 normal
-50 diamond
-50 r oblique
-50 l oblique

20 leg lifts
20 ab twists
2 min flutter kick

20 jumping lunges
20 squats

then, whatever magaizing exercise craze i am in at the moment.

nowi need to go get egg whites. the only reason i have muscle left. then i am going to workout... again.

hope y'all are doing good :)

so i did ok today.
i had planned to eat, but i didn't. oh well.
i am doing the new JUDDD thing. except modified for me.
fasting on down days and doing kinda a 2468 thing on the updays.
i like to mix and match :)

who know what it's like....












oh, i wrote a little bit of poetry :) i don't think it's too too corny but....

let them see your bones
if you bare some skin
you could share it all
if you were thin

today my family took me out to dinner and made me eat complete and udder shit.
so tomorrow i am water fasting again, i just can't stand this full feeling.
i'm kind of going one day at a time.
i am so preoccupied by my current weight i can't waste time thinking into the future with my metabolism.
ah this is getting frustrating.